A tale of two wolves

A wise Cherokee grandfather is telling a story to his grandson.

The story is about two wolves – two wolves that seem to be fighting within a human, a two-legged as the natives call the humans. Each wolf is big and strong and the battle is fierce.

One wolf is filled with anger, negativity, fear, arrogance, greed, superiority and false pride. The other wolf contains the qualities of peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

It is a great battle, says the elder, as his grandson listens.

The grandson thought about this fight for a little while. “Which one will win?” the curious child asks the grandfather.

And the grandfather answers:

“The one you feed.”

I don’t know if this story is true or not, or even if it belongs to the Cherokee nation or is just one of those tales that is passed around the Internet. However, one another level, this story is most definitely true. The fact is that what we choose to focus on will grow within our minds. It will soon dominate our thoughts and shade our mood. In the world, we will be alert to confirmations of the qualities of one world or another.

If we focus on our resentments and all the ways that we have been mistreated and misunderstood, we certainly will begin to feel like victims, full of pain and hopelessness. However, if we acknowledge our pain but focus on the blessings that rain into our world, we will grow in our ability to bless our present and our future.

Negativity can also poison our relationships with others. If we have a friend or family member whom we decide is thoughtless, we will watch for all those times when he or she is thoughtless, or careless, or wrong. We won’t be able to see – or will notice for barely a fleeting moment – when the person is caring, or concerned, or loving. The observations will infect the relationship as certainly as any real toxic substance.

What wolf do you feed?

Stopping smoking? Here's a kit to help you

Wisconsin's new ban on smoking in public places goes into effect on July 5, 2010.

Karen Carnabucci, a psychotherapist at Lake House Health & Learning Center, and Arthur Shattuck, Chinese medicine practitioner at Roots and Legends, have put together recommendtations for a kit that will support you in stopping smoking. These kit ingredients may be used on their own or to supplement professional treatment. You might want to make the kit with a group of friends who could serve as a support system for each other. We hope that it will give you support and strategies to help you in your intention to stop smoking and grow in good health.

Here is what is included and why:

Xiao Yao Wan, the Chinese herbal tea that is both soothing to drink and assists in detoxifying the nicotine from the body.

Lemon to make lemon juice -- add juice to a warm glass of water and take each morning and evening to cleanse the liver

Dental floss may be used to floss after meals, a primary time for many smokers to have a cigarette. The flossing not only promotes good dental hygiene but also gives the individual a new and healthy ritual to replace the habit of smoking after a meal.

Cotton in small bottle that is scented with lavender essential oil; lavender is a soothing scent that naturally relaxes the nervous system. The scented bit of cotton may be sniffed during times of stress or craving.

Indes card with help line numbers. Reaching out to talk and get options to a cigarette is helpful during times of craving. You may also list a number of supportive friends who are willing to take your calls when you are feeling a craving. The toll-free Wisconsin Quit Line is (877) 270-7867; you may also dial 211 for other resources.

Pen to add additional numbers of friends and other supportive places to call.

Natural licorice twig, which may be chewed or nibbled in place of snacks or sugary candy. Chinese licorice, which is called Gan Cao, contains a sweet component that actually lowers sugar cravings and appears to make cigarettes taste unpleasant if there is a slip. It is the only herb that relaxes all of the body’s 12 meridians and therefore makes a person a little less tense.

Sticker to remind you of your commitment to your health. It may be placed in a location that has been a common smoking place, such as the telephone or car. Use additional “sticky” notes as needed.

Inspirational statement may be read as many times as you wish as a reminder to keep your commitment to your good health. Here are are some samples:

• Many people have successfully stopped smoking, and I can too!



• I can take time to remember all the reasons that I have stopped smoking.


• I am free of nicotine. I am taking good care of my health.


• I am free at last -- no longer a slave to cigarettes!


• I turn away from cigarettes and turn toward a healthy life.


• This minute in this day, I am smober…a no smoker!


• I enjoy breathing deeply with my clean lungs. My lungs thank me for new energy.


• I am capable. I have strengths. I want to live.


• I am proud of myself.


• I am reducing my health risks and increasing my health capacity.


• It’s OK for me to reach for help rather than a cigarette.

Remember to practice deep breathing and simple yoga stretches to cleanse and comfort your body. Tai chi or qi gong are also helpful, as is exercise including walking. Give yourself a simple massage or find someone to give you a massage.

Hopes, hoops, optimism and options

Here we were in Chicago, surrounded by young African-American men.

The young men were tall, very tall, and garbed in the typical hip-hop wardrobe of wildly long shirts and extra-baggy pants.

And they were everywhere in this high-class hotel in Chicago. Strolling the lobby. Riding the elevator. Going to a nearby deli to fetch a take-out lunch.

The young men, surely dreaming of a career in the big leagues, were participating in pre-draft camp for prospective National Basketball Association players recently. In the same city where "Hoop Dreams" was filmed in 1994, the athletes had just finished three days of drills at a nearby college. Now they were receiving thorough physical examinations from a group of physicians specializing in sports medicine.

On the first evening, we shared an elevator with three of the athletes. It was easy to imagine the pressure that each of the young men was feeling. Hardly boisterous, their faces showed serious expressions. And this was serious business. Only a very few would take their place among the chosen ones. And being one of the "chosen" could ultimately mean a multi-million-dollar contract, worldwide fame and a life of travel and excitement, playing with NBA legends.

"I just want to go home," blurted one of the athletes to his new friends.

The next day, I saw another athlete in the lobby, carefully holding his lunch, a turkey and tomato sandwich fresh from the deli.

"How's it going?" I asked, wondering if his answer would echo yesterday's comment.

"It's good," he said, with a genuine smile on his face. "Real good. I think it's going to work out."

Now, all of this got me thinking about the attitude of optimism, the ability to stand tall in the uncertainties of life.

Martin Seligman and his colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania have been studying optimism for nearly 30 years. They actually teach the skills of optimism to help people look at the world with sunlight rather than gloom. The idea is that this attitude not only makes a difference in our emotional outlook, it also contributes to improved health. Optimistic people are generally more able to resist illness, including the common cold. When they are sick, they recover more quickly.

Optimism doesn't mean a denial of our distress, pretending everything is all right when it isn't. It means that we are able to find the spark of goodness in a situation and make healthy and useful choices. Optimists look at the glass as half full, trusting that new opportunities will appear in their world. Pessimists look at the glass as half-empty, anticipating doom and helplessness.

Seligman, the author of "Authentic Happiness," identifies three thinking styles separate these outlooks.

Pessimists blame themselves excessively when things go wrong. Optimists take responsibility for their mistakes and are able to assess situation the situation realistically, finding their strengths in the midst of challenges.

Pessimists believe the problem is permanent, not temporary. Optimists know the problem won't last forever and trust they'll find good times ahead.

Pessimists are sure that the problem will contaminate every area of their lives. Optimists, although able to recognize that things need improvement, are readily able to recognize parts of their lives are going well.

The good news is that we can shift our outlook from gloomy to sunny. Motivated people can notice patterns of thinking that are shaded with pessimism. With awareness and effort -- and maybe some note taking and the help of a friend or two-- we can reorganize thought patterns that show hope, strength and choices. This takes practice because our habitual thoughts seem to have a life or their own. In reality, we are the source of our thoughts.

Christine Shields Kann is one such optimistic thinker. A Racine businesswoman, wife, mother, volunteer and sports fan, she is known by her friends and colleagues for her relentless refusal to go negative.

"Of course, everyone has moments of frustration," she says. "But who can afford to be negative all the time? You have to keep moving forward."

As a teen, she developed a severe back problem that demanded the wearing of a brace. Doctors predicted she would have a myriad of related health problems that would limit her physical abilities. She proved the prognosis wrong, becoming a state-ranked competitive swimmer.

Now a competitive amateur golfer, she loves the sport's maxim to "play it where it lies."

You don't always get the ideal shot," she says. "You have to think about what club you're going to use, what risk you're going to take, and forge ahead," she says. "You can't sit and whine about it. You have to take that shot and do the best you can. It's the same in life."

Back in Chicago, we saw two men sitting at the curb of the hotel, with a box of deflated basketballs nearby. As the young players walked by, the men called out to the would-be NBA stars, asking them to sign the basketballs.

The two men were a pair of entrepreneurs. And I'd say they were also optimists, trusting that the names on the balls would be worth something some day.

Systemic Constellation Work is the new frontier in healing

What if some of your feelings did not really belong to you – but came from one of your ancestors and you simply “inherited” them?

Systemic Constellation Work – sometimes called Family Constellation Work – is a remarkable healing process that has emerged from Germany in the past 30 years. It posits that our ancestors' suffering has leaked into our own lives, causing our own suffering, and that modern medicine and psychotherapy cannot fully relieve this pain due to its relentless focus on the individual rather than the larger family system.

Developed by Bert Hellinger, a former priest, missionary and psychotherapist, this process looks like blend of ancestor reverence, psychodrama and family systems therapy. Yet it is also nothing like anything you’ve seen before. Hellinger developed this process to address the suffering of the descendants of the German Nazis and the survivors of Europe’s Holocaust victims, but everyone soon figured that the healing that emerged was helpful to release deep patterns embedded in the family system, no matter that the issue of distress was physical illness or emotional distress. Rather than explore stories, emotions or cognitive content, it identifies the energetic blockages within the “soul” of the family. The facilitator helps restore the natural orders that must be present in the larger family system before all can experience love and feel peace.

Constellation work is gradually finding its way to the Midwest, thanks to my psychodrama colleague Ron Anderson who discovered the method in the early 2000s. I’ve now been studying this approach with Heinz Stark, a German psychotherapist who was one of Hellinger’s original followers for two years, and I am now integrating much of this work in my individual sessions with people; Friday’s introductory group session will be the first of several groups that we are planning at Lake House Health & Learning Center. See calendar for more information and how to register.

Dodie Corcoran is a massage therapist and bodyworker who has adapted Constellation Work for bodywork and periodically offers Constellation groups in Woodstock, Ill. I like how she describes this unique work:

This trans-generational healing process will bring to light that certain tragedies and pains your ancestors suffered years ago may adversely affect you or your loved ones today. Like open wounds held in your family's collective soul, resolution and reconciliation are still being sought out in the present, even though the events may have long passed, and the people involved may long be deceased.

The soul’s need for healing and closure remains like an irrevocable binding force, whereby innocent and unknowing family members from future generations get entangled in the fates of those who lived before. Such entanglements can truly be disastrous because family members are then not free to live their own lives, unconsciously perpetuating difficulties, tragedies, injustices and crimes - often for many, many generations.

This work may also reveal that your life’s present or recurring challenges may be directly connected to painful events or personally committed guilt from your own life still in need of closure, healing or reconciliation. Your soul can be held captive for years in this way, making it impossible for you to move forward in your life in a good direction. And if you are a parent, it may possibly entangle your child.

The beauty of this work lies in the fact that once entanglements are brought to light, unresolved issues can be brought to a peaceful close. Once that happens, we are set free from the forces that held us captive, even though we may have never known until then that we had been bound at all. Supportive healing energy, life force and love suddenly can touch us, thereby opening the doors for us to stand fully in our own life with peace, clarity and strength.

Learn more about Dodie and her services here. Hellinger’s voluminous writings can be found at his site here. Here is one of his basic thoughts:

"There is nothing a child won't do to help the family, even to the detriment of self."

Read more about where I go to study here and see the wide number of books and videos that are now available on this subject. For readers, the book, “Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work In Relationships” by Bert Hellinger, Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont is a good place to begin. Another is The Healing Power of the Past: A New Approach to Healing Family Wounds by Berthold Ulsamer.

By the way, The idea that we inherit feelings and experiences from our ancestors is now being proven by science. Here's an amazing video from BCC, "The Truth In Our Genes," here. You can find several examples of actual Constellation sessions on YouTube – just go to to the site and search for “Systemic Family Constellation Work.” Most of them are in another language but you can get the idea of how it looks.