The butterfly fable for parents and others: don't help too much

A man having lunch on a park bench noticed a chrysalis on a nearby tree branch. A large caterpillar was struggling mightily to emerge from the small opening of its cocoon. Feeling sorry for the bug, the man took out his pocket knife and use it to slice a larger opening, hoping to make the exit easier for the emerging butterfly. The caterpillar flopped out, fell to the ground and died.

When the man recounted his experience later during a conversation with a friend, his friend told him that the caterpillar – in the process of leaving the cocoon, pushing against its sides and struggling to move its body forward – converts certain tissues into muscle and strengthens its wings and makes its body slim and able to exit. Only then can it emerge to its new life as a beautiful butterfly.

I think of this story when I talk with parents who love their children so much that they want to make their children’s lives as easy as possible. Invariably, these parents “help” their children way too much, and the children are never able to build and exercise the muscles they need to become responsible adults.

Are you a helicopter parent – the kind of parent who pays extremely close a child’s experiences and tries to micromanage every aspect of your child’s life?

Remember the story of the caterpillar. You have the opportunity to give your child positive emotional health and being less dependent, neurotic and less open, a slew of personality traits that are generally thought of as undesirable. More here about helicopter parents from MSNBC.

To spank or not to spank?

Every so often, a parent asks me about the wisdom of spanking a child.

Now, I'm not a fan of spanking. Spanking teaches kids that it's all right for big people to hit little people -- or anyone else -- and that a sign of "bigness" is that they get to hit people too. It also teaches that hitting and hurting are legitimate repsonses to anger and that punishment, rather than teaching ways to maintain good behavior, is the focus.

Time has published a good essay about spanking in the current Time magazine in an article titled, The Long-Term Effects of Spanking, which reports on a researchers at Tulane University provide the strongest evidence yet that children's short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run. Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5.

It's better to practice alternative ways of guidance -- the key word rather than punishment -- with time-out periods, redirection and other positively oriented responses. Now, hitting is easy. Changing behaviors to parent effectively takes time, motivation and intention. If a parent finds that anger and other emotions prevent the learning and use of these activites, then it may be important to address issues relating to the self.

Wise words for parents of ADHD children

Dr. John Breeding, professor, author and Ph.D. psychologist, calmly discusses Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, the decade's diagnosis-du-jour, in this YouTube video. ADHD is the diagnosis that results in the medicating of millions of children who are prescribed mood-altering psychiatric drugs in the United States every year.

He has some wise words for parents and other adults concerned about their children's behavior: look at these children not as strange or pathological but as talented, energetic and zestful. He also says:

"Your child needs you to be relaxed and confident."

And:

"Remember to see your child through the eyes of delight."

Breeding is author of the "The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses" and frequently speaks out about the overuse of psychiatric medication. His site offers an alternative perspective to the bio-psychiatric industry, and to the millions of psychotropic prescriptions written for children and adults.

Although there certainly is value in psychiatric medications, I tell the people who I work that that they should be first resort only in a dire emergency and more frequently, last resort -- after counseling, lifestyle changes and serious self exploration -- when there is no emergency. Breeding speaks for the natural, built-in ways of psychological healing and maintains that with attention and adequate resources anyone can reemerge from even the greatest distress and most extreme states of mind.

What to do when your kid provokes you

Here’s an easy-to-read article from one of my favorite sites, www.slate.com, about parenting:

The article, by Alan Kazdin, Ph.D and Carlo Rotella, offers thoughts to guide parents to a more helpful and calming response to children who are defiant or acting out.

The article describes various ways of responding to the defiant act and predicts both the immediate and long-term results of such responses. “The Parking Ticket” turns out the best solution. Read more here, plus the sidebar here.