Here's the scenario:You have a person who is drinking, drugging, pill-taking, smoking or -- fill in the blank -- in your life. The person is someone you care about and you clearly see that this compulsive or addictive behavior is hurting the person and affecting others -- including you.
One of the most common questions that I receive is, "How do I make someone stop?" This question has recently become more frequent due to news coverage about entertainer Michael Jackson's extreme prescription drug use, which led to his death in late June. The current Associated Press report that increasing numbers of women are drinking dangerously adds urgency to the question.
Well, you'll never MAKE someone stop. But what you do, or don't do, can have a serious effect on the well-being of the other person -- as well as your own level of sanity and ability to function in your world with the drinking, drugging, pill-taking person.
Ultimately, you will have to learn how to support, not to "fix." This isn't easy. People naturally want to make things better for other people, especially people they care about, and the word "support" is so vague that it has come to mean just about anything.
Here's what doesn't help:
Blame, nag, scold, shame, criticize, threaten, beg, plead, yell, swear, name call, use sarcasm, hit, scream, manipulate, cry, pout, judge, give guilt trips, pressure, accuse or put down. Not only are all of these actions non-productive, they create an adversarial relationship with you and the person you're trying to help.
Purchase, supply, offer or use mood-altering chemicals for or with the person who you think should quit such use.
Dismiss the seriousness of substance abuse or addiction by sending e-mails, greeting cards or gifts to the person that make drinking, drugging, binging, -- fill in the blank again -- amusing, normal or permissible.
Speaking to the person about his or her addiction when he or she is intoxicated or high. It's not productive.
Excusing the person's behavior, putting the actions to stress, life difficulty, childhood pain, economic struggles and the like. Although it is understandable that the person may turn to mood-altering chemicals and activities to relieve the emotional or physical pain, many others have these experiences and do NOT abuse substances or practice dangerous compulsive behaviors. If they do, they have the responsibility to address this brain illness.
Here's how you can support change and abstinence:
Speak to the person when he or she is not intoxicated. In as calm a voice as you can manage, mention your concern. Speak about the person's health and the way that you are affected by the person's behavior. You can also say, "I love you and want you to be healthy and enjoy life."
Educate yourself about substance abuse and addiction. It is a brain illness, in which the brain has been taught to crave the mood-changing substance, despite the person's conscious wish to stop its use. Books, publications, online resources and community groups like Focus will help you learn more.
Allow learning from natural consequences and permit the person to face the reality of his or her use. If health, legal, occupational or other problems result due to use of mood-altering chemicals, that person should take responsibility for these matters. This may mean paying fines, getting repairs for the OWI-damaged car, spending savings for an attorney or even going to jail.
Plan an intervention. Interventions are carefully prepared and rehearsed meetings of family, friends, professionals and others who are willing to directly and lovingly speak the truth about how someone's chemical use is damaging their lives. You will also need to identify what you will be willing to change about your behavior if that person does not change. A helpful book about interventions is "Love First: A Family's Guide To Intervention."
Support the person's ongoing involvement in 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, Pills Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and other self-help groups or programs that teach people how to live without mood-altering substances.
Support the use of psychotherapy and other appropriate health-enhancing choices for the addict. Offer to help in researching options and resources and be willing to take part in family or couple counseling sessions.
Offer to provide transportation, funds, child care or other specific resources that help the person attend meetings, treatment programs, therapy appointments and other positive self-care and health-care activities.
Attend self-help groups for yourself. This is critical. Groups like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and O-Anon and many others offer a structured program to learn how to change behavior patterns that are enabling, destructive or otherwise counter productive. You will also learn how to practice detachment with love, step away from the person's issues and get support for yourself.
Ask the recovering person, "How can I support you?" and encourage the person to be specific.
Stop using mood-altering substances yourself. If the thought of stopping your use to support someone else become sober and clean panics you -- even for a short time -- then you may have a problem that you should address.
Work on yourself and your own personal growth and understanding as you find ways to care for yourself and enjoy and improve your life. Find a psychotherapist, coach, other helping professional or sponsor to guide you.
If you or your children are in personal danger due to a person's use of chemicals, make plans to protect yourself and leave the situation if necessary. In Racine, you can call 211 Racine or the Women's Resource Center, which assists abused adults and their children.
Remember that the outcome of another person's life is not in your control. But you do have the opportunity to learn how to make healthy choices for yourself and your family and many times those choices impact the other person.
Support the use of psychotherapy and other appropriate health-enhancing choices for the addict. Offer to help in researching options and resources and be willing to take part in family or couple counseling sessions.
Offer to provide transportation, funds, child care or other specific resources that help the person attend meetings, treatment programs, therapy appointments and other positive self-care and health-care activities.
Attend self-help groups for yourself. This is critical. Groups like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and O-Anon and many others offer a structured program to learn how to change behavior patterns that are enabling, destructive or otherwise counter productive. You will also learn how to practice detachment with love, step away from the person's issues and get support for yourself.
Ask the recovering person, "How can I support you?" and encourage the person to be specific.
Stop using mood-altering substances yourself. If the thought of stopping your use to support someone else become sober and clean panics you -- even for a short time -- then you may have a problem that you should address.
Work on yourself and your own personal growth and understanding as you find ways to care for yourself and enjoy and improve your life. Find a psychotherapist, coach, other helping professional or sponsor to guide you.
If you or your children are in personal danger due to a person's use of chemicals, make plans to protect yourself and leave the situation if necessary. In Racine, you can call 211 Racine or the Women's Resource Center, which assists abused adults and their children.
Remember that the outcome of another person's life is not in your control. But you do have the opportunity to learn how to make healthy choices for yourself and your family and many times those choices impact the other person.
