When you're riding the roller coaster, you don't think about stupid

Stupid?

That’s what lots of people have been saying when they found out that former Racine mayor Gary Becker purchased a batch of girlish-sized lingerie just two weeks ago.

If he hadn’t purchased the lingerie – or at least hadn’t been recognized and reported for the purchase – he might have walked away with probation at Wednesday’s court sentencing.

However, when the presiding judge found out about the lingerie purchase, he decided to revise his sentence to three years in prison, accompanied by extended post-release supervision. The former mayor was sitting before the judge, charged for his plan to meet and have sex with who he thought was a 14-year-old girl – but who turned out to be an undercover agent setting him up for an Internet sting.

Stupid?

As the judge noted, it’s not a crime to purchase women’s underwear at a department store in the local mall.

However, this man isn’t just any shopper. This is a man who was charged with a serious sex-related crime and had attended an expensive treatment center to address what is most surely a situation of compulsive sexual behavior. Within the context of this scenario, this purchase brings up a number of flags – flags that the judge appropriately noted and then questioned this man’s ability to adequately address and control his behavior.

All addictions – whether they involve alcohol, drugs, compulsive overeating, risk-taking sexual activity, gambling or whatever – are self destructive. The risk-taking behavior typically flares even higher during times of stress, when the rush of terrible excitement overrides the underlying slow-brewing anxiety.

Let’s put it this way: When you’re flying up and down the roller coaster’s steep curves, you don’t think about mowing the back yard, if you remembered to take the garbage out or the amount of the balance in your bank account.

Though we have no way of knowing Becker's exact reason for his choices, here are some general points to consider:

The person doesn’t consciously plan to be self destructive. The person isn’t even typically stupid. But he or she isn't able to manage the extreme pain and inner stress in what we would consider healthy and appropriate ways. In this case, we can imagine that a person would be rightly anxious to walk up the steps of the county court house, walk into a court room and face the judge who would determine the next chapter of a person’s life.

Many, many people who suffer serious addictions and compulsions are able to make significant changes and enjoy lives of peace and productivity with motivation, willingness, humility, support and the right treatment options. And others struggle and flounder. If there is anything good about this unsavory situation, it is the opportunity to learn more about how people use self-destructive behaviors to escape the reality of their inner world and how challenging it is to make changes.

Stupid?

More accurately, a painful and sad situation for all concerned.

A few words about sex addiction and "cures"

Yesterday’s request of Racine’s former mayor to attend treatment center for compulsive sexual behavior and trauma are bringing his legal charges – and discussions about sex addiction – back into the public eye.

Many people are asking if individuals who are attracted to unhealthy and destructive forms of sexual activity can be "cured.”

This is a complicated question. An answer about a “cure” – or lack of same – would be very easy to answer if all offenders fit an identical profile.

However, there are many profiles of a person who acts compulsively with regard to sexual activity – just as there are many profiles with individuals who are caught up with compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, spending, gambling and other high-risk behaviors. Here, it is important to have a thorough assessment by professionals who are able to determine long-term behavior patterns and the true level of the illness. Sometimes the illness is contributes to activities that break the law -- for instance, an alcoholic who has a car accident when driving while intoxicated is acountable for that accident and injuries or deaths that result. In most areas, it is not against the law to gamble, but legal authorities will be calling if you embezzle money from your employer. With respect to sex addiction, individuals may find themselves in legal trouble if their actions violate a law; a pedophile is defined ins psychological terms one who is attracted to children, 13 years of age and younger, and there are other laws as well. Addictions of all kinds affect the brain, and the person’s brain can be retrained to respond to triggers differently and to learn and practice healthy behaviors. Addictions cannot be "cured." But they can be treated, and a recovering person can learn how to abstain from destructive behavior and respond with healthy choices with awareness, motivation and support. Many good programs are available for in-depth treatment which often includes treatment for depression and anxiety; The Keystone treatment center employs a variety of standard and innovative treatment modalities, including psychodrama, a powerful action method that is often used in psychotherapeutic settings.

Keystone's Web site provides a good overall view of how sexual acting-out behaviors can damage people, marriages, jobs and families – just as alcohol and drugs do. There is an excellent article by Susan J. Campling, Psy.D., the center’s director, that should answer many common questions. She says:

“Today we understand the powerlessness the addicted person feels and have begun to recognize that the pleasure of addiction, the “high” can result from substances outside and inside of the person. Behaviors can trigger the release of internally produced chemicals that create the pleasure high and at least temporarily, alter mood. Sex, gambling, exercise and shopping are only a few of the behaviors that can alter a person’s mood. When the addicted person continues to engage in these behaviors despite negative consequences, we see the footprints of addiction.

I must challenge views that inpatient treatment is “ineffective.”

When I worked as a psychotherapist at Caron Treatment Centers, an inpatient treatment center for chemically addicted persons and their families in Wernersville, Pa., we often referred to other centers for specialized treatment, such as eating disorders, sex addiction and the like. Keystone, located in a nearby county, was one of several referral options.

Inpatient treatment at a quality treatment center gives the individual the opportunity to fully focus on addressing the illness without distractions that daily life presents. It is a real chance to make significant changes, if the person is motivated to learn and grow. Part of the learning is to identify healthy risks that lead to help and healing rather than unhealthy risks that lead to secrecy and shame.

It’s also important that a person, once discharged, is willing to follow recommendations of continuing care. Such recommendations might involve ongoing outpatient therapy, participation at self-help meetings, abstinence from mood-altering chemicals and other lifestyle alterations.

Another important resource is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step group that offers a simple and yet very effective program for individuals who are motivated to recover. Its name refers to both to individuals who are addicted to some sort of sexual activity, as well as those who have a chronic and compulsive preoccupation with romance, intrigue or fantasy. Others have found help at a similar group, Sex Addicts Anonymous.

SLAA and SAA are structured self-help programs based on the original steps of Alcoholics Anonymous – which has literally helped millions of people to recover from compulsive use of alcohol and birthed many other helpful groups, including Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous and Nicotine Anonymous and programs for family members of those addicted.

As Susan Campling says:

“Today, it is no longer socially acceptable to laugh at the pain of alcoholism. Today we continue to glorify the sexual conquests of TV stars and pass judgment upon the "moral failings” of persons unable to stop their sexual acting out. We freely use words like “pervert,” “nympho” and lecher. Perhaps it is our fear that diseases can happen to anyone and that we are all vulnerable that is intolerable. Instead of drunks or perverts, persons suffering from addiction, might be something else. They might be people worthy of our understanding and compassion. They might be us.”

See her complete essay, “As We Raise Our Head from Shame to Grace,” here.

For more information, see SLAA’s site here and SLA's site here with additional helpful links here. Professionals can learn more about psychodrama and sex addiction at my blog for professionals here.