Just about every news channel and every other Internet article is commenting on the tears of John Boehner, the congressman who cried on the 60 Minutes news program the other week. And just about every news commentator is analyzing those tears -- is he weak? Does he have an emotional problem -- as Barbara Walters says -- or is crying a virtue because he is showing his feelings as a sensitive man?
This bit of news brings up lots of opportunities to talk about feelings, as one blogger on The New York Times who questioned why a man -- who will be the most powerful Republican in Congress -- is tearing up while talking about opportunities for himself in the United States with has a record of two decades in Congress voting "against nearly every boost for the working stiff. "
Much of the current "debate" is focusing on when or if it’s appropriate for men in public life to cry. However, we have to be careful about jumping to conclusions about tears and what they mean, whether they are leaking out of men's eyes, or women's eyes or anyone else's eyes.
Tears, in themselves, mean nothing in particular. In counseling, we learn that everyone cries at some times, even sociopaths. Alcoholics have cried buckets of tears and then go out the next day to take the next drink, not at all mindful about the havoc their drinking wreaks for families. Abusers sob about their sorry-ness and promise never to hurt anyone again -- and then continue to batter the people they say they love while refusing to find help to address their anger. It's been reported that former president George Bush cried after visiting wounded service people and just last month when talking with NBC's Matt Lauer about facing a military family after their son's death. And, of course, we also know about the tears of Brett Farve on the day of his first retirement.
What is important about crying is the experience. Is the person -- man or woman -- actually able to actually feel his or her feelings -- or do they seem to have a life of their own, separate from our humanness and personal vulnerability? Do the feelings impact on his or her relationship with other people in a positive way? For instance, are the person's feelings able to be integrated into a sense of empathy with other people's feelings, experiences and needs? Does that empathy advance the quality of relationship because we are sensitive to the needs and feelings and vulnerabilities of others?
Crying is an important emotional release and often serves as a great stress reliever. Asked to give suggestions about whether to cry or not, I typically recommend crying -- it is entirely human. But what we really need is empathy, sensitivity and humanness in all of us -- including our nation's leaders.
